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Sorry for the hugely long post but I really need to get this out before I do something stupid.
I'm feeling so completely and utterly useless and alone right now. Saturday was supposed to be our wedding day. We've had to put it off because we just can't afford it and it seems like everyone expects me to just get over it and move on. We have no date set, I've lost both dresses I wanted (one was accidentally sold, the other we simply couldn't afford to pay off and the store wouldn't hold it any longer), and it increasingly feels like he just doesn't want this any more.
Sunday was my brothers birthday. He was adopted out when he was 7-8months old, I was 2.5-3yrs. I have no idea where he is, how he is, if he knows he's adopted, absolutely nothing. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to find him and all I have is one memory of him, one tiny picture in my mind of what my brother looks like and I don't know if I'll ever see him again.
I completely broke on Saturday. I just can't handle this not knowing and feeling like I'm getting nowhere. And of course I'm not allowed to be depressed, or at least if I am it should just be a simple matter of "snapping out of it" because that what some stupid little b**** thinks.
His friends make assumptions and he never corrects them. Like it's my fault he never sees them and I wasn't letting him fix his car and any issues we have as a couple are entirely my fault.
Because god forbid they get off their backsides and drive the 40mins here, particularly when they know the car's a long way off being on the road. The last time one of these "friends" caught up with him was because I kept asking them to come out; I told them that he was upset and disappointed that they weren't there. But I'm stopping him from seeing them.
And god help me if I get pissed off because he just won't talk to me about anything. His friends think that's entirely my fault too and just another thing to add to the list of things that I have no right to be upset about.
Every time we argue he asks his friend if he can stay there but, when I ask him about it, it's "just in case". Yet this time there was talk of how things would fit. But, again, it's my fault, I'm taking things the wrong way, and I'm not allowed to feel anything about it.
I'm so sick of feeling like this. I don't want this to end because I love him and can honestly see us spending the rest of our lives together. But he won't talk and every time we argue he seems to have some escape plan ready "just in case".
I feel like I'm just waiting for the penny to drop, for him to just not come home one day.
We both suck at communicating but it's like he doesn't even want to try. When I ask if he wants to leave I get the same thing over and over- he wants to marry me, he doesn't want to leave- but at the same time his actions, behaviour, and body language say he doesn't want to be her, that he doesn't want me.
If that's the case, if he doesn't want this any more, then why not just say so? Why keep prolonging something you don't want?
I just want him to talk to me and be honest. I get that that's hard but if I can do it then he definitely can!
I want us to sort things out and be able to talk to each other about things in future instead of this stupid burying it crap. That just doesn't work because we both end up feeling like crap.
And I really want him to stand up for me to his friends. I would never let my friends be that disrespectful of him and I've already torn shreds off one friend for it- and she had a legitimate reason to be pissed at him!
I cannot stand this feeling that I'm just waiting for him to leave. It sucks and I'm sick of it, physically!
I just wish I could go to sleep forever at the moment and fighting that feeling is bloody difficult when the one person you have by your side doesn't even feel like they're there.
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 Curiosity didn't kill the cat, the cat killed curiosity.
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