I'm a Freshman in college that was diagnosed with depression/insomnia back in 2006/2007. I fought my way through it once and succeeded, but now that I'm getting into the college world my depression has re-emerged. I just feel so emotionally vacant and unable to feel even the slightest emotion toward anything that previously brought me joy.

For example, I got to see my family and several close friends for the first time since the beginning of the semester which is a very happy and joyous occasion, yet I hardly felt anything but the 'void' that I usually feel on a day to day basis, which has haunted me ever since I left home for school again a few weeks ago. I want to feel the warmth inside me again when I hug my mother. I want to feel the immense joy I used to when I hold my puppy Franklin in my arms after being without him for weeks. I need to feel the love for my brother again when we bond over things.

I'm very heavily involved in classical vocal music and recently my college choir went on a recruiting tour and I had the opportunity to sing a solo for the high school kids we were singing for in a beautiful catholic church... After the concert many people complimented my performance and all that jazz but all I could do was fake a smile for them.

The hardest thing for me recently is that everything that goes well in my life still feels more like a loss than a victory. And because of this I've slowly lost my drive for many things like school, my solo rep for music, and other things that I loved before. I've been watching a lot of and motivational speakers on the topic of depression (Mark Henick, notably) and that has helped me a good amount... I haven't been able to get the courage to sit and talk with my family about the resurgence of my depression, but I hope to get enough courage to do that soon.

I'll end this with a quote from Mark's speech that has stuck with me for a long time,

"For those of you who might be thinking about suicide today: good. Keep thinking about it, and then start talking about it, and then start doing something about it too. And for those of you who might be contemplating suicide, I know that there's a hope somewhere deep inside you; I felt it too. Keep that hope alive.
-Mark Henick

Thanks for reading,
TNL