I'm sorry you feel this way. It could be a mixed episode if you do have bipolar, or it could be BPD or something else. Regardless, I'm sorry you're going through this. And I'm doubly sorry that you are afraid of getting help. I too have been in the mental health system for a very long time (with an equally long break). I've been in great programs and horrific ones. The state hospital I was in for three months as a teenager was shut down in 2006 for human rights abuses, which I tried to alert my mom about but she didn't believe me.

But equally I've had some really good team members. I honestly think that if you want help you'll have to take the plunge and be honest with people. No one can help you until you allow them to. Though I understand the trauma aspect.