I know it is hard to accept help, but I have to tell you the benefits of not pretending and being honest with treatment providers and getting help are so much better. I haven't had the best care. it took almost three years and about 10 pdocs to find the right meds to stabilize me, but I was persistent and really advocated for myself. I was so tired after 30 years of feeling the way you do. and it was all worth it. I got the magic wand I was dreaming of all those years. I haven't wanted to die for years. I have a successful life. im stable. so please, be honest and take care of yourself...