After three years, school T is leaving in May. She keeps wanting to start talking about it. She wants to talk to me about my feelings about her leaving and kept trying to weave it into the session today despite me repeatedly telling her "no" with various levels of almost aggression. I ended up leaving the session early. I don't want to talk to her about it. I don't want closure. I don't want to keep seeing her. Why bother at this point? I've pulled away from her so far already. Why build back emotions only to let myself get hurt?

She said she wanted to reflect and give me plenty of time to talk about things and she would hate for me to have left something unsaid and regret it later. I told her it's not like she's dying. I could write her a letter if I really wanted to tell her something. I got really angry and left. I didn't want to talk about anything. She'd say something and I'd immediately shut her down regardless of what she said.

But I left the session and immediately went to the store. I impulsively got skittles. It wasn't until I looked at the bag in my apartment that I remembered that skittles were my late assistant principal/first mother figure in my life who died of cancer three years ago favorite snack. The first time I met her, she offered me skittles. I said no. She laughed and said she doesn't understand ever turning down an offer of skittles. I said no because I don't eat food from strangers. I don't trust them.

I don't really know how to lace the two situations together but I know they are related. I know I have feelings about this but I can't make myself talk about them.