This is a very long story and I apologize for putting it out here w/o being able to participate in this group on a regular basis. My husband and I are retired and we have been living an unconventional lifestyle on a sailboat traveling around the Eastern Pacific which tends to isolate us from things like reliable internet and access to therapy. If you need more info, I'll be happy to provide it, but first I have to do a sanity check on the things that are bothering me the most.

I've been sticking with a marriage that I think most people would probably tell me to leave. In fact I've never told anyone (friends or family) what I'm about to tell you, partly because I didn't want to diminish my husband's character and partly because I didn't want anyone to think less of me for staying with him. It isn't what I call a marriage in the sense of two people in love, and hasn't been for many years (at least half of the 23 years total; I am 57, he is 50). But we are usually comfortable working together and for the most part we enjoy each other's company. For a long time we lived like roommates. After the 2012 affair (see below) I decided to kick some *** and do what it took to hook him again. I also made certain we left that country where the macho culture is far too tolerant of having a GF on the side.

In 2012 we spent from May to October apart (as we had in 2011 – w/o incident to the best of my knowledge). Many months earlier we'd had a conversation about sex in which I told him he could get a girlfriend (GF) while I was gone as long as it was sex only, with no romance or emotional involvement of any kind (what I was too polite at the time to call a “**** buddy” - FB). Sex has always been an issue for us, and is something I'm always having to work on. (I can do without it; he downloads porn every day if we have internet.) After I returned in October I uncovered a six week affair of dating (movies, restaurants, dancing, drinking, romantic day trips out of town – complete with photos of her and the two of them at sunset, etc.). He claims he had “permission” to get a GF, but admits he overstepped the bounds from FB to romance. Honestly, in the country in which he was living, it would have been next to impossible for him to get a FB. He literally had to wine and dine her if she was going to put out for him. He has apologized profusely, says it was a mistake, promises he'll never do it again.

Several months later we discussed the GF vs. FB aspect of the infidelity again and I asked him to unfriend her from his Facebook account. I felt that his wanting to stay friends with her signified an emotional attachment which was inappropriate. Not to mention how much it hurt me to know he was still in touch with her. He told me he would, but I waited for weeks and he never did. I then took it upon myself to archive their conversation (I did not delete it, even though I wanted to), block her posts, and remove her from his chat list. I didn't want him to keep being reminded of their romance.

After that I made it clear in no uncertain terms that we were now in a completely closed marriage. I didn't think I had to be specific that it applied to all genders.

I freely admit I have been spying on him since October, 2012 (See: divorcesupport.about.com/od/infidelity/qt/spyoncheater.htm). At the time I was just trying to figure out what was going on. When he finally decided to tell me about the affair (a week after I found out on my own), he lied to me about not seeing her after I got back. I believe he was no longer seeing her romantically, but I know he lied about many things relating to her (including giving her an air conditioner and bicycle we didn't want to take with us when we left) because I kept track of his phone texts and Facebook chats. I also went through our Quicken accounts and figured out that he had loaned her $500 and not gotten the entire amount back from her He lied and told me it was for some local guy he'd become friends with. I felt that keeping quiet and reading what he was writing to other people was the only way I could keep track of what was happening since it was obvious I couldn't trust him to tell me the truth.

In August, 2013 I accidentally deleted a huge porn collection off of his computer. Yes, I was messing around looking for things but it truly was an accident and I fessed up to it right away (although with a lame excuse about what I was doing there in the first place, which made me lose credibility with him; he'll always believe it was deliberate). A week later during an unrelated argument he slapped me hard on the side of my head. I believe this was fallout from the porn deletion. I waited days for him to apologize. When I finally said something to him about it he said he would never apologize because I had “provoked” him. A month ago he gave my knee three sharp slaps and yelled at me to stop nagging after I feared for our safety and asked him not to engage with a driver he'd pissed off who was messing with us. He slapped me early in our marriage, and one time, many years ago during an argument, he told me he wanted to smash my face in. He once put a dent in a frying pan by hitting himself on the head in a fit of anger and depression after I left our anchored boat the only way I could – by jumping in and swimming to shore; I wanted to give him time alone to cool off after a heated argument). While I usually don't fear for my safety, his inclination is to smash, hit, or slam inanimate objects when he's angry. He says it's just a different style of arguing. He comes from a shouting and breaking background; I come from the silent treatment style of fighting.

In November, 2013 we returned to the States, the land of fast and cheap internet. Here is what I know:

He has an ad on a sailing oriented web site advertising himself as “newly single” and looking for crew. He placed this ad soon after our most recent conversation about divorce. I don't think he got any responses, and the account has been inactive. (I have a fake account on the site to monitor his profile.)

He has a “secret” email account which he uses for contacts of a sexual nature. When I accidentally tried connecting to this email account on his phone he heard the tone, knew I had tried accessing it, got angry with me about it, and removed that email account (and that account only) from his phone.

He looks at our local area Casual Encounters entries on craigslist, and he chats and exchanges email with CD/TS contacts. I have emails I copied in which he offered to buy lingerie for a TS contact. He has told these contacts that his wife has all kinds of lingerie that gets very little use and he would love to see them in it. He sent a photo of my sex shoes to one contact expressing a desire to see the CD wearing them. He wrote to one that he had to be very careful because his wife had gotten upset over a previous affair, even though he thought he'd had her permission. (“Permission” is now a hot button for us. We were watching a TV show in which the hero slept with the best friend of the woman he really loved, but who was trying to stay faithful to her imprisoned husband. When I tsked tsked over this caddish behavior my husband said, “She gave him permission.” Really?! Does that make it the right thing to do?!)

He once took pictures of me during sex w/o my knowledge. It's a miracle that I happened to look at the camera (for something unrelated) and found them before he could move them to his computer. He deliberately kept my face out of the shots, but I deleted them without saying anything even though I was furious. I suspected that he planned to send them to his CD/TS contacts, and to legitimize his marital status with one in particular. This incident was particularly hurtful since I'd gone all out to please him sexually with all of his favorite things. It was when my back was turned to him that he snuck the shots. When he found out I'd deleted them he was initially angry that I would delete photos from his camera but he apologized for it later, conceding that he shouldn't have taken them w/o asking me first.

He spends hours on porn sites downloading photos and videos of mostly CD/TS subject matter (although he has folders on our computer for straight, gay, and lesbian too). He is fixated on men passing as women and posing in lingerie, stockings, and outrageous high heels. Lately he spends hours poring over strap-on dildos, and has asked me to wear one for him. I am trying to go along with this but I never thought he'd actually follow through with it, and I'm very alarmed. I've always considered **** sex to be completely off-limits. I'm afraid that I'll be crossing a line that I'll regret forever. But I thought if I went along with it, he wouldn't be as tempted to look outside our marriage to fullfull this need of his. I'm concerned that he spends so much time looking at porn that he thinks it's all normal and is the way sex should be. I'm disgusted by the way our sex life has to mimic whatever his latest porn fixation is. Do I really have to go along with all of this to keep him from being angry and dissatisfied with me? It can't possibly have anything to do with love.

Even though I could do without sex completely, I realize it's important for a healthy marriage to keep that part going. But it always feels like I'm the one that has to initiate a big production in order for us to be intimate. He says he doesn't initiate sex with me because he knows I get nothing out of it (I've never been brought to orgasm by anyone but myself). I've tried to explain to him that I don't need to come in order to feel intimate with him. I think he's using my “not liking sex” (which is how he puts it) as an excuse to initiate contact with other people (since I apparently don't satisfy his real desires). He never fails to use “not liking sex” as a weapon when we argue, even though I'm going out of my way to do what I can to accommodate him. [I wrote this paragraph many months ago. Lately he has been going out of his way to please me, trying new things in an effort to get me to enjoy myself. I still have no sexual desire though, and sex is a chore for me.]

At this point I feel I absolutely cannot talk openly with him about any of the “secret” things – because it will only drive him deeper underground. During my initial investigation into the 2012 affair I found emails and a photo proving that he has already had physical contact of a CD/TS nature about ten years ago. He was finishing up a job contract while I went ahead of him to the city we were moving to, and we were separated for three months. If it wasn't for that, I might chalk all of the craigslist contacts up to mere fantasizing.

I'm finally posting to this forum because on March 24, 2014 I caught him composing an email response to a craigslist ad from a man wanting to fool around with another man or couple. When I came into the room and asked him who he was emailing he lied and quickly closed that and several other tabs. I asked to use the computer and after he left the room I was able to pull up his secret account because he hadn't logged out of it. I had enough time to read the draft email in which he expressed an interest in meeting the man but that his wife (me) wouldn't be interested. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to figure out if he follows through with this since they have already arranged their “story” for being away from home (the other man is also married).

Divorce has been mentioned a few times over the years but he's the one who always gets panicky and depressed (he mentioned thinking about suicide the last time). He is fearful of losing some of his retirement fund in a 50/50 split. He once actually told me that he didn't want to divorce primarily for the financial hit he would take. He complains about how much work it would be to have to sell the boat. He doesn't have any idea where he would live. He says he doesn't have a support network of family and friends like I do. Only after he's worried about these things does he get down to not wanting to lose me. And as much as he complains me, I know I make life easier for him in some ways.

So why am I staying with this man I'm not in love with, and who's secretive behaviors anger me? Is it worth all this anxiety in order for me to live comfortably without having to work? We live a very simple, low cost lifestyle and, as terrible as I know this sounds, I don't want to have to get a job to support myself on my own. My sister (who doesn't know any of this, but knows I'm unhappy, and was appalled by the way my husband spoke to me and to her husband when they visited us) says working a crappy job would be far better than putting up with a crappy marriage. But I'm not so sure; I go back and forth on all of this. Each time he does something awful I am despondent and ready to walk out the door. But then I wake up the next morning, we're getting along well, and I think I can continue to stick it out with him. It would be a relief to talk to a therapist because we do not argue constructively, and I wouldn't want to start in on any of this without a third party present. He runs verbal circles around me and beats things to death, until I'm so worn down that I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. But therapy is next to impossible since we're never in one place for very long.

I have to make it to the end of April with him. Then I'm visiting family for three weeks in May. After I get back he'll be away for 3-6 weeks. If I'm going to make a move, it will have to be then. I can't face leaving him in person because I always let him talk me out of it. I fantasize about living alone. I would absolutely love to have my own little space all to myself. I can tolerate living on the boat with him because there are wonderful aspects to that lifestyle which we have shared for more than 20 years. But my thoughts of living on land never include him.

Am I crazy to have stayed in this marriage for so long already? Is there any reason I should continue to live with this man? I feel sorry for him because I'm sure he's as unhappy as I am, but I lost all respect for him years ago. He would probably say the same about me...

I realize this is far too long, but I appreciate anyone who has the time and inclination to comment.