I don't know whether threads about touch need a trigger, but I want to err on the safe side. This is really about "touch therapy", not hugs at the end of a session, so I think it might be controversial as well as triggering.


I felt like I was dreaming in my session today but my T told me I wasn't. I have conflicted feelings, not about what she's doing, but about what she didn't do in the past. This may be long because I have a lot of feelings to sort out.

I told T that I didn't have to call her, I thought, because she let me hold her hand again (it's about 2 years since she stopped without telling me why) at my last session, and because she sat close to me. She agreed, right away, without me having to argue about it. She said that she just got back from a 5 day SE (somatic experiencing) workshop where she learned that touch is the best way to heal trauma. Not for everyone, but for Ts who do SE and mind/body therapy, this is what they're taught, at least at this workshop.

So, she not only let me hold her hand, but she moved her chair closer, and asked if she could put her hand on my upper arm, as this was another healing technique that she learned. I kept verbalizing my surprise that she wanted to do this with me. She said this is what she did during the workshop.

T said that this handholding is for a specific purpose, so unless I get triggered, it's therapeutic and healing. She also agreed to sit next to me, whereas the last session where she held my hand, she wouldn't sit next to me. I felt safe and settled except when I looked at the clock and saw time was passing by! She wanted to know where in my body I felt that, and what, and how I felt when I closed my eyes again. She says this kind of touching will heal my attachment problems. She thinks I had the confused (I forgot the technical name) kind of attachment to my parents, where it's sometimes connected, and sometimes not.

Before we stopped, T took her hand away from mine gradually, and said she wanted me to be able to get to my "place of landing" inside of myself. I felt like I could do this, but at the same time my head was spinning about my T's changed attitude.

The problem is, and I may have told her this today, is that she has changed her mind a lot with me. She doesn't call these mistakes, though. She learns more, and adjusts the treatment. She said she will NOT change her mind about the usefulness of touch again, unless I don't want to do it. But she DID change her mind about holding my hand once, without explaining that SHE got triggered, until somewhat recently. I understand her going through stuff in her private life, but still, I was hurt by how she handled that.

I always knew that holding a Ts hand was something I wanted and needed, but she is the first T who allowed it. I feel like we "wasted" a few years when she stopped. Of course now she is more skillful and we both know to be aware of being triggered in any way. It upsets me that I am finding this out now, after about 20 years of therapy! (with 5 different Ts) Well, better late than never.

Another feeling is that now I have what I wanted. Is it going to be enough? We discussed that a little. T wants the feeling I get from her to move inside of me, so I can access it. I even told her about the white light we talk about in yoga sometimes, the healing light, and how I can direct it from T's hand to mine. She does yoga so she knew what I meant.

My brain is scattered now; I'm not sure if I trust my T, but I want to. I knew she wasn't so experienced when I started, and I also knew that she used mind/body techniques and unusual things like EMDR and IFS. Then she learned SE, which is another mind/body technique. We've learned together, and I'm happy with my 4 years of therapy with her. We both think that this touching will enable me to heal so that I can finally be okay with quitting therapy.

It's just weird, that's all! I don't feel attracted to T when she's sitting next to me. I see her physical flaws and realize she's human. I know the touch is therapeutic. When I said I was getting self-conscious when she was looking at me, she said she's not judging me, just noticing my changes in breathing, sighs, jitteriness, etc. We've been doing SE for at least a year now, so this is nothing new, but adding touch back in is new.

My gut feeling is that I'm finally doing something in therapy that is going to help me. Maybe a couple of years ago I wasn't stable enough. Holding her hands was safe but brought up a lot of feelings. I need to think about all of this; I still feel like I'm in a dream!