Hi guys,I'll try posting how I'm doing here for anyone who may find themselves in a similar situation.

I'm having a little trouble focusing so I realize this post may not be the most comprehensible and organized one.

This is the general situation:
I've suffered from MDD most of my life. There have been phases when I felt normal/good, excellent even and some lasted quite a while.
Mostly I just feel incredibly hopeless though and last year has been a major downward slope for me.
At one point, several years ago; I took Prozac for two months and it significantly improved my ability to function. Depression came back when I stopped taking it but it wasn't as severe, self-help was efficient and I was grateful for having felt like I recharged during the two months on the pills.
I'm very worried about how I've become completely unable to function, have no hope, desire or ability to get my life in order and I no longer know how to deal with guilt.
I've gained quite some weight in the past year and a half but since I'm tiny by nature my BMI is still normal. I definitely notice the bad eating habits affecting my health and mood though and am trying to muster up the optimism and will to live healthier. It's kinda hard as I can barely do the regular every day stuff, even my flat looks a mess and I'm usually quite a neat freak. I've been an on-off smoker for about 8 years now and I've been smoking the past 18 months regularly.

Expectations:
I'm hoping Prozac takes away some of the negativity and helps me function again, I'm not even looking to feel great, just good enough to be able to do the necessary life-style and mindset changes myself. Oh, the dosage is 40 mg for now, I took my first today. I've resisted meds so far but I feel like taking them now is the responsible thing to do if I want to function again. Swallowing it I almost felt like I took an illegal drug or something, does everyone feel like a druggie when they start their meds? Perhaps it's because it sort feels like a seal, as in "it's now official you can't do this on your own".

I'm also scheduled for an appointment with a professional. Mostly I haven't had much success with therapists because I feel like their attempts at getting me positive and motivated simply bounce off. As if they don't understand that I lack motivation because I see no point in life. One therapist however was able to help me recognize and work over some dysfunctional patterns from the past and I have successfully gotten over domestic trauma, improved my relationship with my mother and have no resentment towards my family, it's myself I want to be able to live with this time. I'm giving therapy another try, you never know and it can't hurt. Sometimes it helps when someone just gives you a different perspective on things.

Also taking a zinc supplement, I feel I'm less sleepy during the day since I started it.

I desperately want to be able to get hold of myself so it bothers me loads that I've reached this level of inefficiency. I'll let you know if I see any improvement and if anyone has similar experience or a tip it'll be greatly appreciated.

Somehow I don't FEEL like I'll win this, but I THINK I will. Perhaps my heart will catch up to the notion.

Hugs everyone, don't give up, I'm a horrible case and even I have had phases of major improvement, we can do this


P.s. Should this be under some "journal section"? I'm hoping for your insight so I posted here, I hope that's okay.