T was under the impression that we were doing a closure session...I was not on that same page, but I got used to the idea within the first thirty seconds when she said she had come to the conclusion that she was not the best person to work with me anymore because she didn't have the skills to respond to my anger in a way that made me feel safe and understood. And I agree with that...but our session today was so lovely and she was saying such sweet things to me and I just felt really comforted and nurtured and seen, and wishing I didn't have to stop seeing her now because maybe all of our sessions could be like this...

She said that the reason we couldn't keep working together was because she cares about me having effective therapy and I deserve a therapist who can be there for me in the way I need and it matters to her that I find that, because I matter to her(!!!!!!!!) I wish she had said that to me before, because it just made me so happy to hear that...not quite an "I care about you," but pretty darn close.

She said it had been an honour for her to watch me make all these changes and build the life that I wanted for myself over the past few months and how happy she was for me about the relationships I've managed to cultivate, and she thinks that's because I'm a really caring person who is really good at interpersonal relationships; it's just that sometimes other stuff gets in the way and that's true for everyone; it's life work to work through that stuff and learn how to be interpersonally skillful, and I was doing really well with it and she knows that I will continue to build those skills and those healthy relationships in the future, and the healthy relationships I have now are evidence that I'm capable of it.

She also said that I'm a really hard worker and willing to put in the work to change, and she admires that in me and she admires my insight and the fact that I'm always striving to be better and learn more and grow more. And we talked about how far I've come from the beginning and what I've learned and some insights I've had and how much more stable my life is now and some great things I've been able to do, like dealing with former teacher/mentor leaving, and how I'm learning how to cope with those sorts of situations and learning about my own strength and capabilities.

It was just so nice, and the sad thing is, I don't think she's ever really realized how much I care about her and how fond I am of her, which is too bad because that understanding would have lent itself to some very important work. I told her today that I would miss her and she termed this "anticipatory nostalgia," which is maybe true because I don't like leaving things behind, but also, simply, I like her and I will miss her. I don't think she ever saw that, or I wasn't able to show it. Because even today she was really minimizing her role in my progress and saying she would understand if I am angry at her or resentful, and I asked her, "Why would I be angry?" And she said, "Well, at the end of sessions you usually are." And that to me just reflected a fundamental misunderstanding that had really prevented us from working well together. So I understand that I'm making the right choice - she really isn't the best for me; she can't see the vulnerability or can't respond well to it. And it's just a mismatch and it's okay.

She said I could send her an email later if I had anything more I wanted to say to her, but our relationship is effectively over and she won't reply. I think I'm okay with that. She also said she would mail me all the notes from our sessions. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I know I'm going to miss her a lot...I already do, and I only just left! We ended on a good note though, for which I am grateful.