So I'm sedated and fat and restless...and still hallucinating, crash into suicidality every few weeks, and mildly depressed at my baseline. My thoughts are disorganized, making it hard to write or get anything done.

I'm thinking-if I have so many symptoms on meds, why am I still taking them? They may be making things harder rather than easier.

I think my new therapist won't like this idea, though. She's convinced that I need more zyprexa. I do wonder if a higher dose would clear up the remaining symptoms, and if it does if it would be worth the sedation and weight gain.

Should I try the higher dose or go off entirely? I'm leaning towards going off the meds. If I can't handle it, then I can always go back on them.

Maybe I could have some zyprexa to take PRN if I get really agitated or psychotic, but take nothing daily.

I've had past therapists tell me that they didn't think I needed to be medicated. I took it as an insult at the time-couldn't they see how much I was struggling? Wasn't my life impacted by this illness? But maybe they had a point. Maybe I could survive unmedicated, and maybe cutting out the meds would simplify my life.