I'm sorry, kala83, that you are struggling.

What you are feeling sound similar to what I have and do feel. I have social anxiety, I have had bad relationships that have ended and I have tried hiding my mental illnesses. I think I was looking to fill a hole in my life with anything/anybody without regard for what I needed.

I've been struggling with minor depression since early childhood, but hit that wall that knocked me on my ***** about 10 years ago. I have SMDD, GAD, SAD and PTSD. I didn't want anyone to know. The only people who did know were my sisters and brother, and I asked them not to tell anyone. As hard as they tried, they didn't understand what it meant to have a mental illness. It wasn't until I was hospitalized for being suicidal that they realized how significant my illness is. It wasn't until I let them talk to my psychiatrist that they understood how awful I felt and that it wasn't going to "just go away".

After I was released from the hospital, I had the attitude that, while I'm not going to go around announcing that I have these disorders, I wasn't going to go out of my way to hide it. There are people who now know. The friends I have now are true friends. My extended family knows and they have been very supported.

I've been on medications and in therapy for these past 10 years, and while that may seem like a long time, it's what I need. With the exception of PTSD, my other mental disorders are hereditary and I will have them the remainder of my life.

I have bad days where I feel lost and alone, and that no one understands. I feel angry and sad and hopeless and helpless and ... But I also have good days where the sunshine seems a bit brighter, the air a bit clearer, the day much better.

Are you currently in any treatment? Medications? Therapy? Group Therapy? Besides medications and individual therapy, I joined a therapy group. These were women with whom I had something in common. These women helped me better understand myself. These women helped me work through some of my issues. And best of all, these women are now wonderful friends that I can turn to when I need help.

What I learned is I do need to take care of myself which sometime means appearing selfish to others. I learned what my limits are. And I also had to take a hard look at the friendships I did have to determine if they were healthy. I ended many of those friendships and I did find myself feeling very lonely, wondering why I did what I did.

Have you heard the saying "necessity is the mother of invention"? Look at what is necessary for you to find that life you want and deserve. It may take time, effort and a lot of bravery, but you are worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!