Like I'm going in braced for an argument. And I don't want an unpleasant, difficult conversation. I'm pulling away and feeling distant, and I'm not really bothered at all.

I feel like I've checked out of the therapy relationship, on a level.

We had a phone check in today, and it was fine and pleasant and I told her I was a bit anxious about coming tomorrow, so I thought I was being honest. But afterwards I realized I wasn't really, I was treating her like she was one of my clients at work, using all my skills and charm to carefully present a version of myself to her, not being real or authentic. I am annoyed at her for loads of little things and I really missed her but now accept we can't be close in the relaxed easy way we were before so I've reined my feelings in. So, I called her back and left a voicemail saying this, and then later she texted and said it was good I'd caught myself on it.

Now I don't feel like I really miss her, but I feel distant from her. Is this possibly healthy attachment?? Where I feel like I can talk to her and that she probably isn't going to leave me, but I just don't feel any strong emotional charge (feeling love and being loved) at the idea anymore?

I feel like I loved her, but I was on a hiding to nothing and at the end of the day I love myself more, so I don't want to be close to her. Is that actually a good thing though? It doesn't especially feel like a good thing, more like withdrawing, but I am confused as to what is a defence and what is new healthier thought cycles happening.

Either I'm a bit healthier and stronger and reacting to her change in tone and slight coolness towards me in an appropriate way, or I'm having a nasty bout of maternal transference crossed with projecting my ex-boyfriend onto her. I don't know which it is.

I am getting impatient with therapy now.