I'll respond to the new posts, but I want to say that I just finished emailing my T with my concerns. It was a long email; I probably could have condensed it, but I'm not big on revising my writing. I wrote that I wanted to point out HER pattern, and hoped it was not presumptuous or crossing boundaries to do so. She knows most of what I wrote; I reiterated how it felt to allow touch, to take it away, and then to bring it back full force. I said I don't want to be a guinea pig, and while I admired her enthusiasm, we should look at this as an experiment. I wrote a lot more, and made sure she knew that I benefited from yesterday, that I was just overwhelmed by her changing her mind.

I didn't write because I needed the connection; I wanted her to know my reactions and feelings. As usual, I won't get a reply but I always feel better to know that she will read my email and know how I feel.

Something I found reassuring was the way the touching experience felt "clinical" because she kept checking on what I felt and where, almost like a medical doctor! It made any fantasies about touching T and feeling attracted, and any transference disappear! That's a positive for me. I felt the good feelings from holding her hand as separate from liking her. I probably shouldn't analyze it so much, and just see how I feel these next 2 weeks.