As most of you know my story, I've decided to share this post in this forum rather than elsewhere. Sorry for the long post, I need to get it out somewhere.

Im set for discharge this weekend, I dont have an exact date but my pdoc mentioned this weekend, and the nurses are all asking me if I am excited. Well no. Im not excited. I am terrified.

For now I am stable (although low) and safe and can be at home. But I have no idea when the next hormonal mood change will happen. The easiest way to describe it, is that it is similar to a mixed episode with physical symptoms and extra suicidal and SH thoughts thrown in, for fun.

I am terrified I will go through with it next time. Last time I was within minutes, metres of ending my life. It was only because my neighbour saw me in the window and beckoned me over that I went there and told her what I was planning on doing. She of course took me to the hospital and some of you might have been following my other meds merry go round thread to get the story from there.

I do think I need to go home this weekend. But I am just so so scared of what I might do next time I am in that state. I will not want to repeat this hospital experience, so I will not be going for help. I know this as I know myself when the hormones kick in like that.

I am so far from suicidal right now, Im terrified of the thought of killing myself. I do not want to do it to my family or my partner and friends. It would devastate them. But I know how I get those few days before my period. I know how unreasonable and irrational I am, and how appealing suicide is to me.

I dont know what to do. I have a crisis plan but next time I am in that state I doubt I will follow it. The thoughts will be "why should I have to suffer through this again" as they were last month... It'll be easier for my partner to drug me now as I have the zyprexa wafers. I get antimeds during that time and tend to refuse my PRN but at least with a wafer he can get it in my mouth without much fuss if it comes to that.

Thats all I've been given as far as help from the hospital staff... drug myself stupid until I get my period and return to normal. But lately after each period, the depression sticks round for another week or so. In that state I am not a danger but I am very depressive and do not care for myself properly, fall into a bit of a rut etc and have to fight my way out of it. I am getting tired.

Im starting to get back pain now, which signals the start of the hormonal change, in about 4 days I can expect the mood changes, if this back pain is really caused by hormones. Im so anxious about all this, that the pain is quite possibly psychosomatic. But I cant tell the difference, the pain feels the same to me. I cant tell when the hormones will go nuts as my body has not adjusted to the mirena yet.

Does anyone have any advice? Words of comfort? Support?