hi guys

so when I went to my session Tuesday and kind of let her know what was going on in my head and how it has felt like she has been angry with me. she said that she definitely isn't angry at me and never has been. she said that she has been very direct because she sees me causing myself a lot of pain unnecessarily when I comes to my father . I don't think she understands what is going on in my head .it isn't her fault at all it is mine because I have no idea of the right words to say what I feel . this is just who I am . what my part in this family is . that is not easy to change at all.

she also brought up the fact that we just jumped in to talking about trauma without teaching me the skills to make it easier. she brought up a lot of stuff but just listed off some things and didn't spend a lot of time explaining about it. either that or I was avoiding listening to her because the idea of talking about any trauma is at this point inconceivable . I want to but I swear my throat just closes up and thoughts go insane as soon as I even think about it. I have a huge gut reaction when my T even uses the word abuse, trauma, sexual abuse, or torture . I am interested in the emotional regulation skills and so on but I am not sure anything will work. she said she would print out a list if I wanted her to . I never answered her. I wonder if I should call her and leave a message to do that for me for our next session. she talked about moving my body when things start to get out of control. something to redirect my mind ,yoga, walking ETC... i'm going to try something I don't want her to think that I am refusing to do any of the work myself .but I don't know if I will ever be able to talk about it .but maybe...

my T was talking about my farther and the way he treats me and I was trying to get to understand how horrible I was without giving her to much info to end up hating me . I don't know why I felt this was ok to say but I wanted her to understand kind of what my fathers hold over me was. in the end I just said when I went to live with him I was no longer being beat up all the time and I was no longer being sexually abused at all. I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth . she has said them quite a bit lately and even earlier in this session .but I usually ignore them because they make me so uncomfortable . I think my T was shocked also. but moved on without missing a step thank god. all she said was that is great but......and continued on with her point . but you should have seen her face .

I know a lot of people here use some of these skills . I just wonder if I am way to resistant to use these and have them do any good