I'm planning on going in the hospital this afternoon after my children go back to their father. I have been flat and alienated and scared and emotionless for weeks now. It started with my job performance going down and feeling like I couldn't connect with my coworkers or my clients. Then it started to get worse and I started feeling like I couldn't go out and do things. I hole up in my house and make myself do what I absoutely have to to survive and feed the kids, get them to school, what not.

I can be with "safe" people. People who I am comfortable with and know me well. I have an bf/ex-bf that I don't know what is up with but he is not supportive and doesn't really understand my illness, and he just lost his mom and pushed me away during that so he's a loner I guess anyway.

I want my meds to make me feel like myself. When I'm stable I'm outgoing, hard-working, insightful and maybe a little scatter-brained, but I keep it together pretty good. It seems like when my relationships fail this always follows, but I can't get out of it.

Any insight? I don't know I feel paralyzed with indecision.