... but I don't really want to.

I relapsed after (I think) 4 months or so of not cutting because I had a bunch of essays that were stressing me out. It helped me get my essay done, but now I just want to keep cutting. I even built myself a cutting kit (a small case in my backpack with alcohol wipes, gauze, tape, and my blades) and put it in my school bag. It took two days but I have very quickly fallen back into old patterns.

The worst is that I'm not even depressed. I'm feeling great! I'm working out now, eating better, my relationship is awesome (my sex life not so much but that's my anxiety getting in the way), I got all my stuff in, I'm doing well in placement and I think in school, I'm cutting back on cigarettes but I'm not in the 'quitting' faze yet (I smoke when I want to but my cravings have reduced to one a day with no triggers). And yet I don't really want to stop cutting!

I like seeing the cuts on my leg, bright red against the faded brown of the healed scars. I like feeling the blood drip down my leg and get cold and sticky. I like how it stings when it rubs against my jeans. I just LIKE cutting!

So... how do I stop again?