i don't even know where to start. Basicly I want to make the world hurt, I want to enflict pain upon all of those around me. Not physical pain because I have a daughter that I must raise, and without me I fear she may turn into her mother. I mean extreme emotioinal pain. As I am typing my hands are going numb, I cant even get a straight thought out. I have turned into a giant ball of tension and hate. But at the same time I cannot release it because I have no middle ground. Either I just remain quite or the other side takes over. I belive that my monster side is just to much to unleash so I do everything in my power to hold it down. The situation I find myself in is I can feel it scrathing away from the inside and it (ME) wants to lash out and devestate those who have got me to this point. But doing so would mean losing half of my family and my wife, but I am beging to care less and less everyday. There are many people who deserve to see the real me. Everyone thinks that I am this easy going guy and they can pretty much say to me what ever they want. They dont realize that I keep tabs on every wrong commited against me and I am boiling inside. My peace making personality is what is getting me into this situation. My wife tells me that I need to get some balls and I flat told her that if I did that there would be alot of people whose feelings would be crushed. I deep down have a very nasty dispostion and often times cannot repeat to anyone the thoughts that pop into my head. I am tired of doing this I either want it to go away for ever or became my predominate personality. I hate the wrestling match between the two. Maybe I am a good person who has been pushed to far or a mean spitrited person just making nice. The line is becoming more blurred. I despretly need a release of some sort. I can feel it, a time to make a descion is quickly coming to a head. I honently belive that those directly affeted deserve it, but at the same time it even affects the innocent. I am truly beside myself. I am not even sure now why I chose to post again, since I guess only I can help myself. I don't know anymore. Sorry for the rambling.