Okay let's start by saying that I have had behavior problems my whole life and at 17 they tested me for ADD and was diagnosed bipolar at around 21. I submitted to treatment until I felt better and then said, "screw you guys, I'm going out and doing it my way," for many years. I have 2 beautiful children aged 13 and 8.

I've always sucked with relationships. Just sucked. I have a few long-lasting ones, and got my kids out of one of them, but for the most part I find myself becoming needy and dependent on guys that just aren't the type to want to give. Not good. Bad matchup there for sure.

So.... fast forward to now. I was in a relationship with a man who started off wonderful. We spent time, he showed he cared and was around. He hung out with my kids and expressed wanting to do more of that....Then his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I tried to integrate myself with the family somewhat and he tried to help that but it failed because I pushed too hard and alienated her. That was it, after that I saw him weekly if was lucky and often it was 2 or 3 weeks. We talked every night but each day it killed me that he had NO time for me. We fought about it a lot too and he called me clingy and selfish. She passed in only three months and since he was her caregiver and she was his "best friend" he was devastated. He had said he would need me more once this actually happened, but that didn't turn out to be the case.

So the distant and disrespectful behavior continued. He spent no time with me when I had my kids, he went out to the bar or across the state or country to spend time with friends. All of this did not include his girlfriend. So I finally said enough and left. That lasted about 3 weeks and since we've been toying with the idea of "getting back together". But I realize he isn't for me.

So the conundrum. I am losing my life right now and have to downsize due to this depression. I still can't see straight from the way my mood is. Feel no motivation, powerless, like I'm a piece of **** basically. Not very good when you are being forced to make life changes you are unsure about.

My mom has said I could live with her temporarily, but I don't know if that's a good idea. I lived with her last time and had two black depressive episodes while there and it was ugly. She and I don't really get along very well and the energy while I lived there before was very negative for me.

Then there is the older guy who I know from him coming into my old work. We have been talking lately and I've confided my situation to him. The unique thing about him that I really like is that his last relationship was with someone who died from cancer, and he knew when he got into it that was the case. I don't really feel attracted to him and he's sooooo much older than me, but he says he doesn't want to pressure me on that front. Could this be an option? I've never been a gold digger so that part of me screams, NO you're taking advantage. But would I really be?

I'm really just getting this all out on the screen in front of me and trying to objectively think about it, which has been near impossible lately. I feel like my brain is firing on almost zero.