I do agree it sounds like a manic episode. takes me back. it does feel like a force is pushing you. you do do things out of character and they make total sense when you are doing them. only when you come out of your mania do you realize how wrong they are and the shame you feel is overwhelming. it is like, how could I have possibly thought that was ok? that doesn't even make sense? but it made total sense while you were doing it. and what makes it harder to accept is we are smart people so how could we have been so stupid? yet we were....it is a horrible horrible curse of an illness.