I have been to therapy-diagnosed bi polar and depression-... I've talked to her about my childhood and I did grow up with an untreated extremely diagnosed bi-polar father and other problems. She said in addition to my bi-polar if I am a perfectionist and OCD and I also self-sabotage myself. I also had real bad insomnia...staying awake for days on end. I got on meds and everything got better for about a year.
Then I became pregnant and had my daughter in 2012...I couldn't take my medication while I was pregnant but it seemed as if I was doing well. My doctor thought maybe my hormones and everything were "balancing me out". I don't know about that, however I was feeling more "normal". Actually I felt well. Until a few months ago that is. There wasn't any triggers that stand out to me as a cause of my emotions going wonky again but I have extreme highs and lows with my moods again. Some days I am fine and there are days where I can't sleep, I cry, I get overwhelmed, I don't want to get out of bed, and am so low I just wish I would die.

Part of me doesn't want to go back on meds because I have done well without them for a significant amount of time until recently, then there's the other part that thinks I need them(especially on my low days).

I just don't know...I've been in and out of therapy so much but I feel so bad sometimes. I feel so stuck and worthless. Unhappy.

The only reason I do live is because of my husband and daughter. I feel bad for them because they deserve so much better than me.