Hi Rose,
This is not good and I think about you every day. I feel deep in my heart that things will accommodate. I do not plenty agree with other comments I think because of my culture which is more community driven. I do not believe generally in situations where it is about either "me" or "them". To me it is about at this moment you cannot take care of your boyfriend as before. He cannot take care of you, either. Perhaps your depression this time is more related to mourning all what is in the past, all the possibilities that did not became a reality. In reality there are solutions. They are tough. Forgive me if I am too stupid this time but somehow I think this in an opportunity for your bf to get finally to the place he needs to be. In the past, you have been wondering about your role in this and that what if you were there living with him, being his 24 hour care giver. Somehow you said this is not your role. I think that that option unconsciously triggers some guilt and melancholia. At the same time triggers legitimate questions about who will take care of you in turn. But to me, this is not even an option of yours. I do not think you could be his 24 hour care giver. But even if you could, you had made up your mind already. You are now in the process of mourning all the other "options" and "possibilities" that will not be. On top of that, you are having this foot problem. There are many difficulties and few solutions. Still even there are just few solutions, there are some, I would concentrate on those. I feel so much reflected on your case. Like you I have such a brother. He is not able to bring a solution to me but more problems. I would not like you to waist your time thinking about how your brother could have helped you back, as I did last year. It is not practical and doesn't bring us anywhere. Your brother or any other person or possibility that could have been but it is not. Like you, I have been punishing myself ( in my mind) about "how much I could have been a better care giver for my mom (she already passed away, as you know) if..." And that was a waste of time and a spiral into a deeper depression of melancholia. And to me ( and I do not know perhaps to you) an exercise I should have replace for another more mindful exercise: "I accept I am a disabled person, I cannot always take care of others, I am weaker now, I may need to go for solutions I do not like. I may need to accept the course of life, I need to accept that my mom made wrong decisions in the past and somehow these decisions affected her conditions in getting old and I cannot mend everything in the present. I am too somebody that needs help. I cannot do better". I know it was very hard for me and guess it is being too hard for you. I wish you the best and please forgive me if I am being imprudent here.