Hi PC
I, too, understand how you feel. I was sexually abused as a child and I also have severe major depressive disorder along with other mental illnesses.

You don't say if your are on any meds or in any treatment. You will find here that some of us believe in medications while others of us don't. I am on the I NEED medications side. I also see my pdoc and tdoc each week for talk therapy. I have also done group therapy. Each of these has helped to manage my mental health issues and work through the abuse.

I've been in that place where I've wanted to die several times and I've been hospitalized for it (but not each time). And I get being in your head too much. I suffer from that, too. I am fortunate that I have some great friends, (they were in my therapy group) and siblings all who understand.

Both my pdoc and tdoc have encouraged me to find a hobby and join a group for that hobby to help get out of my head. They've been doing that for more than 5 years. I finally did it. This week I joined a writing group and I really enjoyed it.

Know that you will get support here, but if your not in any kind of treatment, I encourage you to seek that out. This is too hard to do alone.