I went last evening. Fell to pieces. I've stopped with the emails. I've become petulant. I wrote a very long letter though and am not sure how to get it to her. It's all about how I'm feeling about my progress and everything. Lots having to do with our dyad and how we are relating. She's "stuck" with me. Yea I feel that.

Cried the entire session, long drops down the face. Pathetic. Embarassing. Haven't done that since before being on meds. She kind of just looked at me, but I don't know what her face was because I was too embarassed to lift my face up. She then told me I better call the pdoc to up the meds again. blegh. haven't called.

Crying got harder and heavier and I tried to control it and she would say things like "so next tuesday?" And I was totally out of it and she'd say, "does that work?" I'd look up and kinda mumble and nod yes. I tried to pull it together and I knew there was someone in the waiting room for the other doc there and I got to the door and I couldn't open it or leave and I said, "I don't want to go out there, someone's out there", and I sorta hunched over to hide my face and kept crying and trying to suck it up. She walked over and looked out the door. She said it was okay the person had their head down and I kept apologizing over and over......she said "stop apologizing, it's ok". I was totally melting down like an idiot. A pathetic whiny child.

I scurried out and out and heaved a massive cry outside.

I'm embarassed and its so weird crying so hard and feeling so intensly and having your time be up and your t kinda like, ho hum as they rustle about with their desk....I bet she's like, get out of here already. I know when she gets out of the chair its time to go.