Dear A&c...

Have you ever heard of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)? or of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT)? Because those two methods of confronting and changing thought processes, and possibly our behaviours, have helped myself and countless others begin the process of getting up and actually moving forward through this morass that is called Depression (be it Major, or the Bi-Polar variety.).

No, they are not "magic bullets", and they are not brainwashing or pseudo-science. They are practical and highly useful ways of confronting the undesirable effects of the cognitive part of our disease, especially when applied on a regular basis.

Which ever one you familiarize yourself with, it teaches you
to kind of take the bull by the horns, so to speak, in small one-step-at-a-time ways, and turn your thinking and reactions around, back closer to the truth, and a sort of Happy Middle Ground; and in ways you can implement, even when you are feeling pretty poorly.

I would go find a book on either one, and give yourself a kind of leg up on this thinking and approach. It sounds to me as if you are probably ready to turn some things around for yourself.

I know CBT has helped me overcome (emotionally, and rationally), in many situations where I otherwise would have been left flat on my back, in horrible emotional anguish. My thinking really DID NEED some serious re-training, after the devastating effects my major depression had on me.

Yes, there have been many times I could barely even get out of bed, too shattered to face even the simplest household demands! But even if I applied a little of what I learned, it helped me while I lay there---and very possibly prevented me from plunging headlong into very bad thinking.

And, of course, some days are just plain better than others, and everything's easier...let's be honest....

But now I do have a seize-the-day kind of mentality about everything, and even if I'm not at 100% yet, or even close, I maintain ownership of my thoughts much more than 50% of the time---probably even closer to 80%. (On very good days, I'm almost back to 99%, or higher.)

I can now PUSH myself, and accomplish things that were nowhere near doable only a year ago.

And that, for me, is the basis for regaining so much that I thought was lost, forever.