Clara, everything you say is valid. I am mourning what can never be, that I was always trying to make happen. He was very hard to live with when we did live together. He seemed as happy as me to split up and get his own place, which I helped him find . . . and that is very suited to his needs. Back, when we were splitting up, he never once said that he wanted for us to try harder to make living together work. So - yes, he did a lot to put himself in the situation he is in. I tell myself that. His adult children tell me that they don't know how I put up with him . . . that they think he is a pain in the butt . . . that they don't really enjoy when he comes to visit. I think they are a bit hard-hearted, but they have their grievances, too.

Today, I am much better and feel able to get on with what to do next . . . like go over and cook something that will give him a few dinners that he just has to heat up. My feeling this much better today seems to be from the medication I took. Last night I took a significantly higher does of my antidepressant and a higher dose of my pain med. I woke up feeling so much less sore. But I seem to keep doing this. I spiral down, then I come up and think I'm getting myself together and soon I spiral down again.

The doctor, yesterday, sent me for some blood work to check on my level of inflammation. (SED rate, and C-reactive protein) He asked me, if I had rheumatoid arthritis. I thought that was crazy because he is my doctor and he should know that I've never been diagnosed with that. Besides, I am 61 years old. I never heard of someone getting RA suddenly at that age. I am very sore all over, but not specifically in joints, except for my neck and foot.

The radiologist wrote that my foot x-rays indicate something that they usually only see in people with RA. My doctor didn't discuss what he was looking for with the blood tests, but I researched it, and he could be looking to see if I have Polymyalgia Rheumatica. I had never heard of this before yesterday. I was shocked to see how much it matches with my symptoms. That could be why I have been feeling so unwell, physically. Also, it can be a contributor to depression.

I can not be with my friend 24/7. I am so sorry about that. He may be getting close to going in a nursing home, which makes me feel awfully sad. I worked in nursing homes for years - good ones and bad ones. They can be awful places. I do not want to be the one who tells him that he has to do that. I will not have him blame me, if he has to do that. I feel it's not my decision. But when I leave his place, I feel like I am walking out on the equivalent of a child who should not be left alone.

If I could stay in the state of mind I am in, I could move forward on all that I need to do. I will move forward today. I just never seem to avoid taking these plunges. I've been told I may be on the "bipolar spectrum." All kinds of bipolar meds were tried on me that did not help a bit. I don't really believe in bipolar disorder. I think it lumps together a lot of very different problems.

I better get ready to go. I am thinking about everything in the post above. It does touch on just about every issue involved here. I have to get over my brother being as he is. It won't change, and he could be upsetting me, if he were coming around. It's probably good that he isn't.