I know your story... I'm sad that you weren't able yet to talk about it to someone else and ask for help.
My thoughts are on you, I hope you can get help and then the world looks brighter to you.
Things improve when you do that, and you already realize that you can't help yourself alone. Even us here, can't give you the help you need. Please talk to someone! The sooner you do that, the sooner you can be happy. It's hard, but that is perhaps the most important help you can give to yourself.
Hughs