This is still hard for me to write but I find that this community is very supportive and understanding. So I thought I'd let it out here. My cousin passed away on July 5th, 2013. It was the first time I've ever lost anyone.

She died after her boyfriend fell asleep at the wheel and lost control of the car. To this day, I still feel angry and I know it's wrong to be angry. I'm mad that she was the one who died and they left with no injuries. I never told anyone I feel anger. I should forgive but my heart won't let me. When I learnt she died, I kept telling myself that people don't just die. When people die, it's not suppose to come out of nowhere (I know this is wrong but it made sense at the time). We went to see her body and I didn't want to leave because that would be the last time I'd see her body because she was going to be incinerated. I cried and cried, begging to not leave because leaving would make it real. At the funeral, I was too numb to do anything but stare. To this day, I ache. I avoid thinking about her. It hurts me so much.

The worse thing of all? I've convinced myself I have no right to be so hurt over this. I only saw her during the summers and our age difference made our relationship not as close as say my sister and her. I feel no right to ache so much but I do. I hurt so much and I never talk about it because I have no right to be sad.

I loved her dearly. She inspired me to be me, to be different and I regret never thanking her for that. Anyway... She was a bright light in the lives of many and gosh, I wish everyone in this community could have met her. She was the person who lived life to it's fullest. Nothing held her back. She loved unconditionally, she had the talent of understanding all ; young and old and she was... so so beautiful.

I thank you all for reading this. It was very hard for me and I hope you all understand how much I appreciate all those who take the time to read this.