My son has said to me, "Look how many lives you've created and destroyed with your selfish need for a companion who couldn't leave you." of course, he got this information from me when he asked me why we had so many kids if we didn't have the money to give them nice things... I was honest. I had my oldest in high school. Yes, on purpose. A girl from our school who came from a really poor family was getting all kinds of family attention and support because she was pregnant. I wanted my family to get behind me like that, but that wasn't what happened.
My boyfriend (who I really shouldn't have even still been with because head already cheated on me and hit me at least once before) became much more abusive emotionally. I caught him making out with a girl he had cheated with previously and I must have gone blank. Apparently I walked right out in front of someone's conversion van in rush-hour traffic (for a town of around 1400 at the time...), and it just so happened to be someone whose disabled daughter and young son I sat with regularly while she and the middle daughter participated in Girl Scouts with my mom. So she told on me.
Lots of conversations happened I think with people at school and at home, and I ended up locked up at Northwestern University Hospital after my mom took me on a fake mother/daughter bonding/acceptance outing to buy maternity clothes and a coat. I was already in the car. There wasn't really much I could do. I don't know what they ever found out in that place. The only words I recall from some family conference were "idealist" and "hopelessly optimistic". I don't know how long I was there. 2 or 3 weeks, maybe? It was actually a pretty cool place minus once manic goy's scary outbursts (looked an awful lot like my mom in a rage, only he was happy instead of angry but frightening and ~I didn't know the word for it then~ quite triggering!" the actually took people's blood back then and TESTED it for the missing elements doctor's just guess about today. Progress, huh? Oh well. I digress...
Agreeing to have an abortion, which I never actually had or even intended to have (though they nearly trapped me there, too) got me out of there pretty quick. Luckily, a sensitive nurse got me off the hook at the abortion appointment (that my dad drove me to) with an ultrasound date that showed that I was too far along. I think they had a 12-week cut-off time back then. Oddly, my due date was moved ahead a month, later on in the pregnancy. I think she knew I was being coerced. A guardian angel if ever one existed! Not only for my oldest, but for me as well, because I surely would have stopped functioning in any capacity and just starved until I died. It's true, what I told my second youngest... I did get pregnant on purpose because I needed someone in my life who would love me unconditionally, as I had never had that from a human being before. Everyone else's affections were performance-based and easily enough withheld if i failed to perform as expected. ESPECIALLY my mother's! This is the same trick my 20-year-old (the one who said I should have had less kids and stopped with him because I already had perfection) uses on me when he refuses to communicate with me in any way. I don't think he can help it. His biological father was found guilty of extreme and repeated mental, physical, and emotional cruelty toward me in the dial draft of our divorce. I took great comfort in that because it was the first sign of any "official" validation that what he was doing to me was wrong. And he had his parental rights revoked, permanently. That was a nice victory, but cut short when his parents (where they had to stay for their safety from his attacks on me and my family while this all got sorted out) stopped letting me have visitation or even speak to them on the phone because his stalking kept causing me to lose jobs which made it impossible for me to pay child support. That story is too long for this post.
The short of it is that I have given birth to six human beings: two sons from my first husband, a daughter and two sons from my second, but only got to fully raise 3, and one of those was birthed by my husband's ex... The 20-year-old was born into the relationship between my husband and myself, but conceived by ex#2. We were going to tell him after he knew the actually physiology of where babies come from. I mean, how do you explain genetics to a child too young to comprehend THAT? But he found out. At my mom's house (naturally) on a two-week summer visit. apparently she s all into genealogy that year no left some family tree work out. If you knew my other like I do, you'd find it very hard to believe that she left a task without putting everything away. Whether it is or it isn't, that incident feels like sabotage in my mind. I think my dear, sweet, but so painfully honest boy is hurt that we'd feel the need to have a child that was genetically ours together when we were already raising the ideal family together. And I'm pissed at my mother that he found out in a way that hurt him when he was alone with neither of us to talk to (he was 8). All he had was that "treasured" little brother. He really needs more therapy, too...
The point is, please PLEASE lean on the others of us who have experienced the loss of a living child, and we'll lean on you, too

If it's not rude to ask, what did you put I your correspondences with your son?
And how old is he? I was raised I the 70's! LOL does he have a family of his own that you know of? Tell me if I get too nosey. I am a little socially behind

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