I worry about you too hon, I really don't want anything to happen to you. Please be honest with the people at the hospital so they can keep trying to help you.
I'm sorry you are so afraid of going through this again, I know how hard depression can be, physically and mentally. I wish there was something I could say that could help as you go through this episode. Because as I have read your writing these past days it is clear you haven't yet passed through this particular one and that influences your thoughts about the future. Please take things one day at a time, focus on getting better now and try not to think about the what ifs.
I know when I think of you, I imagine you with your horses. I never got to ride them for real, the idea of riding seems so freeing and exhilarating. I would miss you if you weren't here with us.
(((Much love and)))
Amy