I need to admit today that I feel very alone and I really miss being with people. Being alone feels safe and stable and manageable, which is why I have spent so much of my life alone since I was 7 and victimized. But I don't want to be alone any more. I want to hold and be held. I don't want to go to sleep alone for the rest of my life. I want to be in love for real. But I also know when I've tried to get close to another, it hurts and I get afraid and I pull away. It killed the only relationships I ever got anywhere with. To want so badly for touch, but to be so afraid of it at the same time ... this is probably the cruelest thing the abusers left with me. It's been 30 years. I hate them. I really hate them. They didn't spend a day in prison and I feel like I've served 30 years imprisoned in my fear. I haven't touched anyone in almost 4 years. I tried going on a date, but I couldn't even hold hands. This sucks.

mtd