There are many ways of self harm. I knew people who cut themselves, done drugs, etc. I cut & dye my hair. Not sure if that's along the lines of your problem, though. I wonder if maybe long ago someone drilled the ideas that being a man is disgusting and the thought never left. If you look around this Wonderland of helpful & understanding folks I bet you could find another with your (or similar ) issues. Warm thoughts for you. I hope you find your answers