Ouch Castles. I've haven't experienced all of it, but I have lived on pure will power before. And even now I go through the nobody cares feelings. Just wrote about that to my therapist and psychiatrist tonight even. (My therapist said at my last or the session just before that I sometimes expect more out of someone than they are capable of giving me because of their own limitations.)

Yesterday, I was at a meeting where people are working on activities to get people together - and I just came away feeling so bad because I felt like I was being considered as one of the strong ones and that I should be lifting others - (is that what you meant by the seesaw?) - but I'm not, I'm struggling too and I need support too and instead because no one can see it (I'm too good at hiding my pain) more gets put on my shoulders. At least that's my distorted view on what happened. I cried all the way home from that meeting and cried myself into bed.

I used to be worse - living on will power as I said - but the medications have helped me so that I don't have to force myself to live anymore. My mind is clearer and doesn't run in circles so much. My emotional bouts are shorter instead of continuous. I have a psychiatrist who still cares even though I've hurt him more than once and a therapist who is sticking with me even when I can't pay the full fee. So I have an outlet to people who are at least listening.

I guess what I'm saying is that things can change with therapy and medications. Life gets more and more livable as treatment proceeds.