Home tomorrow. I've told them I wont go for help next time but Im still going home. They nurses were wrong in my notes to the pdoc, they said I was scared to go home, no Im not scared to go home, Im scared of what will happen next time PMDD hits. I told him straight that I wont be coming back and he said he'd get the mental health act onto me but I just wont tell him and he cant do it. Accepting that makes me calm.

I cannot wait to get out of here. Out of this environment where I have NO control, when I feel so out of control already. They've had me on daily benzos so thats gona be a ton of fun to get off aswell cos I wont be taking them at home (well not as much as I do in here). Im not sure if I will get home and crash or get home and thrive (until the next cycle). I doubt I will sleep much tonight out of pure excitement and anxiety. If I dont get home and reach my daily goal of spending an hour a day with my horse to get our bond back, I will be devastated and really really beat myself up for it so I know I just have to do it.

I have a whole plan of how to deal at home, daily goals, daily routine, planned to the hour. Plenty of spare time activites, exercise and meditation on the cards. But then I know when I get home I have the option of saying F*** it all and just achieving nothing. Im not sure which way I will go. Generally I work very hard at my mental health but Im so disheartened after this admission.

They doped me up tonight. I feel weird like the anxiety and excitement is stopped by the drugs but its still there, internally. Internally bubbling away making my body feel like it is going to jump out of my skin. If I am still this unsettled in an hour I'll break out the zyprexa, they tried to give it to me earlier but I didnt want it cos I still have to pack and dont want to be completely ****ed up for tomorrow. I have to be able to handle going food shopping and getting out the rent money that I owe since I havent paid it being in here then figure out how much money I have left over for the next two pdoc appointments and I need to pick up meds tomorrow too. Way to overload myself on the first day free...

Thankyou for the words of encouragement. I feel I cant go to my real life support network with this as it just makes them worry and try to get me medicated and hosptialised again. If they knew what I was really thinking they wouldnt let me come home.