I just returned from a cheap vacation intended to give me some much needed rest after the death of a parent who I had to care take for several months. I did not have a good time.

The hotel room had a full length mirror and I was able to see just how unattractive I am. I did not succeed in getting people to talk with me. True, I could be in better shape and lose some weight but this has been a life long problem. Even when I was young and fit there were few takers. Often, those who expressed interest were people I had nothing in common with; there was no common bond.

I am gay but do not like or fit in with the gay community. I don't find acceptance among heterosexuals either. So, I am alone all the time. There seems to be no antidote. I am so lonesome I could literally die. Lately, I want to be dead - it appeals to me.

I don't know how or am unable to play. Another lifelong problem. I don't even like sex. I had to give up sports due to bad feet. I can't drink alcohol due to epilepsy. I do not smoke or do drugs. I don't want to be a gym bunny. Years ago that got me nowhere.

I am an old, unattractive loser. I don't see my life getting any better. Therapy has not helped in the least. Never has.