Hi..

Needed someone to talk to and some how I ended up here.

(Wasn't sure where to post this threat, hope it's in the right location.)

Feeling down right now. I feel like a disappointment. My dad is trying his best to look out for me and my future and I just keep messing things up.. To make a long story short, my mother is self-centred, irrational & delusional -to put it lightly. In fact, I could hazard a fair guess to say that she has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), although she hasn't officially been diagnosed by a doctor. While my dad is trying to provide us the best future he can offer is, she is trying to do everything in her power to take it away & to keep everything for herself. She thinks that she deserves a reward(money) for looking after "his children", and that being the kind wife she was, who had affairs, shouted & slammed doors, belittled him, treated him like a 3rd class citizen (dirt on her shoe)/a bank/a handyman, she thinks that she is deserving of some kind of payment for her generosity. (Though to the outside world, she continuously plays the part of the so-called victim.)

Trouble is, I know all these things (&more), and although a large part of me does resent her (for her inhumane actions and behaviour) the other part of me, is just, always numb. Like I struggle to hate her and people in general. I don't know why I am this way, maybe cus I never had a proper mother-daughter relationship with her, and with my social life I sometimes feel like a social oddball/outcast. So sometimes I do resent her, and other times I'm just not able to hate. Like I know I should, I know I should, I know I shouldn't let people walk all over me/get away with unjust behaviour, but it's just hard to say it out loud/express it in person. Perhaps I'm weak or something..

Anyway, I seen my mother recently and she was fishing as per usual, (i.e digging for any information that could benefit her). And I told her something I shouldn't have -cus I wasn't prepared to lie or well not really lie, but to not tell her business that doesn't even concern her -as she's only asking out of her own interest/personal gain. Point is, I've really messed up by telling her this information. I hadn't meant to but I just told her because I wasn't prepared with what to say/ she caught me off guard.

And now because of this, I may have single handily jeopardised my own future, as well as my sisters.. I'm presently not in a place where I'm able to look after myself (both 'emotionally' and finically). My dad has cancer. I don't know what's going to happen, today, tomorrow, maybe the next year, but one thing is for certain, for her to sceeve and manipulate her way to 'victory', to deprive my dad of his life earnings, to deprive us of our future inheritance, would be more than injustice, it would flat out wrong.

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Side Note: Guess I just feel somewhat hopeless. I feel like my future is out of my hands. Every time I believe things will get better, it doesn't, and I just feel like I'm not making any progress here.. I'm no where near where I want to be (in life) and I don't know how to fix it/ get to that place I'm longing to be.