I hear you. I was diagnosed with PDNOS, not BPD, but as a child I had learned to expect perfection of myself, too. I'm 66 and fell apart after my husband died 15 years ago. Two years earlier when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I knew that I was going to need help. The doctor had pronounced him "cured" of the cancer, hadn't actively looked for a recurrence, and then -- there it was, already metastasized. I felt let down and betrayed by the whole world -- sought counseling, it didn't help. After 4 years of (finally!) effective trauma therapy I now feel and understand how that was a repeat of how I felt after an unresolved, traumatizing experience in a hospital when I was 3. Both things really suck, but what can I do about either?

I've been in and out of therapy for 50 years -- nobody has known what to look for or how to treat the kind of difficulty I was having until recently. If you had ANY traumatic experiences in your background, even if you don't see that they were any worse than anybody else's, it might be worthwhile, if possible, to look for a trauma specialist therapist. Meltdown is one way to get to the core of the troubles, but definitely not a good way, and even in a melt-down state I saw many therapists who seemed not to have a clue. Made things worse, more desperate, etc. Best of luck, love yourself, too.