Hi StbGuy, No it doesn't at all sound like you're giving up if you're not yet ready to take on any activities/passions if the depression is that severe. That's OK, when you're feeling that bad taking up different activities/throwing yourself into things can be the same as asking someone with a broken leg to climb a mountain!
But it just shows so clearly how well you actually have been/are fighting it by wanting companionship by putting yourself in places where you're hoping you'll find it. That is major!!
But like you said you do need another way (other than pubs/alcohol) to come closer to what you want/need. Now don't forget about the possibility of forming connections, but I'm wondering whether it might help you a little more to focus more on you though right now?
If you're not able to just form natural connections now then that's OK considering the way you're feeling. As I'm sure you'll know depression "ain't no party"!!!.
Do you think you could discuss the way you're feeling (more?) with your doctor, or try (again?) therapy. It might seem a bit hopeless to you but...........small steps. Nothing will change "overnight" but if you can just keep in mind the possibility. And it mght help to give AlAnon a try? From what you've said it must have had a massive effect on you living with your father, which is completely understandable. So maybe sharing your experiences with others and getting that kind of support could help you work through some buried (and not so buried!!) feelings and help in forming connections in time.
And you know, in time you might well find people who are going to see past the "observer" bit of you and "go that extra mile" in meeting you where you are. It can take time/the right people but not everyone is going to miss who you truly are inside.
And I'd say that inside you are so strong in coming through what you've come through, you've shown massive courage (including just by telling us how it is on here!!) and you should be really proud of yourself in facing/wanting to confront things, and seeing that there is more out there that you could be a part of (by trying to meet people!).
As for being a normal human being, you are normal in relation to what you've been through in feeling the way you do. That doesn't mean that you have to necessarily be stuck like this if you can get the right help but you are normal. As for others out there, just make sure you're not setting too high expectations on yourself e.g. a lot of people who seem happy/content/social may be very different "behind closed doors".
And if you're not like certain people anyway, then that doesn't at all mean that you haven't still got many positive attributes (whether you see them or not!) and that doesn't mean that you aren't going to be just as important as someone else, or that people shouldn't/aren't going to really value you just for who you are!!
So maybe a little more talking/a little more help to get you nearer to where you want to be??
Alison