I am currently going through some feelings of intense hatred of myself and anger that I have to be like this (have bipolar disorder).

Several times in my life I have lost friendships. Friends just decide that it's too much work or too much emotional strain to be with me. They actually tell me this, as if that will help. I'm afraid I may have lost a friend recently, I've been depressed for months and she just ran out of things to say. We haven't really talked for weeks. She asked me if I was coming to see her play and I said I was, but then I ended up lithium toxic and got sent to the hospital. I fought against going to the hospital but my psychiatrist threatened to put me on a psych hold if I didn't go willingly. So I missed her play and sent her an apology message but she's not replying. She usually replies very quickly.

I'm also worried because in my acting class I'm working with a partner. My prof knows I'm on shaky ground right now but I missed class yesterday because of the lithium toxicity/hospital thing. And it might happen again next week because they're not sure if I'm still toxic, I was right on the edge when the hospital sent me home. Next Wednesday I have bloodwork, Thursday appointment with psychiatrist, and if I'm toxic again, hospital again. I e-mailed my prof to let him know why I missed class on Friday and that it might be the same situation next Friday. He hasn't answered.

I'm so sick of this. I don't WANT to be the person who always has some stupid drama going on. In real life I'm generally a quiet, reserved person (until I'm manic) and I just want a quiet, unassuming life with friends who don't get tired of me and my issues. I understand why people don't want to be my friend. *I* don't want to be my friend.