Quote:
Originally Posted by unguy
I can't deal with it. Years of therapy have not helped. I don't like being gay or celibate or asexual. I don't like gay sex. I don't fit in the gay community - it's very sexual and the sex and looking for it just makes me sad. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no choice but to find a gay cure. I need to be normal. I cannot deal with being different. I cannot take it anymore - the discrimination, the social expulsion, the deep deep sadness that consumes me.
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I'm not gay, Unguy. But I am an aging transsexual. I grew up at a time & in a place where such a thing would have been considered perverted at best & some type of sin against god. So I grew up feeling perverted & dirty. I learned to be secretive in all things. I developed major depression & generalized anxiety disorder. I developed self-harming behaviors. I have made several suicide attempts.
I've read any number of places that, if you're trans, you're trans for life. It doesn't go away. Given my life experiences I would have to say that I believe it. And, in fact, I would add that as a trans person reaches their mid-50's & 60's, if they haven't done anything about it, their "transsexual imperative" rekindles the way a new fire can flare up from hot coals left over from a previous fire. This is what has happened with me.
I've always read that being gay is also not something you can change. You mentioned that years of counseling haven't helped. I haven't had years of counseling. But I've seen a few different counselors over the years & none were helpful. So I think I understand what you're saying with regard to counseling too.
The bottom line for me is, I'm trans. I've always been trans & I'll always be trans. I basically have 3 choices: continue to live with it as I have all these years, proceed with some sort of late-life transition, or hit my delete button. Of course, openly transsexual people are as ostracized by society as are gay people... maybe more. And at this stage in my life, not enough could be done to make me look really feminine. I'd just look like an old man in a dress.
So, all of this is by way of saying, I don't know what to tell you. I'm afraid I don't know of a cure for either one of us. In my own case, I'm just resigned to living with it until I just can't stand it anymore, then...
I recently read, on PC, about something that I understand they teach in DBT called: um... radical acceptance, I think it was. This sounds about like what I try to create within myself. I try to simply accept my situation for what it is & keep going as best I can (which isn't very well I'm afraid.) I hope that sharing my story with you brings you some comfort &/or insight into your own.
