It's not a medicine problem, I'm sure. That's working - my thoughts aren't stuck, I can feel happy at some things - the (unlikely) prospect of my out-of-state friend moving here, a pretty, sunny morning - and I have energy available if I had motivation to use it. That's working.

But reality's set back in. The truth is my life has been nothing but loneliness, hurt, and disappointment. People can't believe that, there's got to be something good, right? The things that were good for a while just hurt me in the end, and that's what I expect everything to do. I can't hope for otherwise.

Fact is, I'm underdeveloped emotionally-socially. Oughta be no big deal, but I can't function and the loneliness is too much. The things that could maybe be worth living for, to me, are unattainable. Life's not worth living without meaningful friend/relationships; working for my own gain is pointless, living to serve others is noble but too hard running on empty emotionally. The more-or-less possibility of someday being whole is too uncertain and far away, and simply isn't worth the work, pain, and time it would take when I don't really want to live as it is. I want this all to end, I think I may even want death.

It used to matter to me how it would affect others, but now I really don't care. They'd just have to accept it and get over it, especially my family. My family either caused(mom) or could have prevented(dad, rest) the isolation and manipulation that got me here, but let it happen. I've worked to please or help others since I was 9 and it's only hurt me, it's time I do what I want without concern for anyone else.

I don't know what's keeping me from doing it as it is. I think part of it is this idea of total hopelessness hurts so much, I wish I could talk with someone and have them give me some hope or comfort, even understand why I believe this is my only option and say it's ok. Not that I want someone to tell me to do this, but I want someone to tell me I'm not a horrible, selfish person if I do it.

I wish there were another option, but I can't see any. I don't know what I'll do... I just need to express how I feel... I wish there was hope.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...