It's true. I know there are many of us who struggle with needing medication to maintain our precarious balance. So who would like to join my support group, med ditchers anonymous? I don't mean those of you who have chosen to live med free, I mean this of us who constantly stop and start meds, seemingly unable to make a clear, unwavering decision to just be one way or another. With or without - that is the question!

I feel I am at a crossroads right now. One month ago I ditched meds again - I was only taking trileptal. This time I think I had three reasons. One - I was depressed despite the proper dose of trileptal. So screw it, right? Two - I hadn't been hypomanic (that I cared to admit) since august. I missed it, even though the august episode went into scary and dangerous territory. And three - I concluded that since I hadn't been hypomanic in so long, I must not have bipolar. Especially since I went off meds in December for six weeks for many if the same reasons (except instead of feeling depressed I felt fine) and nothing happened until a depressed episode at the end of January.

So I said bye bye meds and continued my depressed episode. Then lo and behold, I felt the ceiling begin to crack. See on the trileptal I managed to get euphoria at times but no energy. So I felt I was pressed against a glass ceiling unable to move up. I guess the taste of hypo made me do it...cue full blown hypo episode starting two weeks ago!

The two weeks has been AMAZING I have gotten so much done and been so happy and productive and sociable and happy. Yet still in control. Yesterday was the first day it got a little iffy...well Tuesday I was angry and agitated most of the day. Anyway yesterday my mind kicked into hyperdrive and I definitely felt perhaps it was too much! I haven't been able to sit still for days but I had an I service at school and I couldn't focus at all. I did a lot of crazy writing that I accidentally left in my desk - hope no one reads it!!! I've gotten six hours of sleep in the last two days. I did my whole day today by noon and the. I was just ucomfortable because I needed to MOVE and couldn't figure out something to do! And I kinda started to crash from lack of sleep...I couldn't see patterns in the raindrops anymore.

I fell asleep for an hour in the afternoon and now I feel more energetic and sped up again...and really irritable! Just screamed at hubby again over something dumb as usual. Feel like a jerk...but ah well right? My mind is kicking up again.

Right so what's the freaking point right! Well if I do indeed have bipolar I can look at my last episodes and know that this one, as much fun as it's been, will be ending very soon. I don't generally go past two weeks. And I've been high enough to know the flip side is going to be very ugly. So I guess I need to take my meds right? Because I have to start back at 300mg and build up. But I don't want to lose this even though it's getting a little too much to keep track of my thoughts...

So I dunno. My birthday is next Friday and I sure don't want to lay around depressed.

So to my fellow chronic med ditchers, have you ever been able to make a decision and stick with it? What keeps you on your meds if you start missing mania? What reasons do you usually have for dropping them?

And PS no one lecture me on the dangers of playing pdoc yourself - clearly I know them I just never care when it comes down to it. And yes I know I should just take my meds especially now it's just a matter if actually doing it!

PPS I do apologize for length and disorganization I just have so much in my brain!