I'm quite good at hiding what's happening in my head. I suppose the irritability is what shows, which I'm not happy about.

Other than that I never tell anyone what's happening and while they probably notice differences no one ever tells me about myself. Except hubby.

It's usually my son who gets me to go back on them. Another reason I will start them tomorrow. Depression is ugly and I can't be like that for him. Best to head it off.

But when I decide to quit I've already convinced myself I'm fine and all will be well.

And now that I've had hypomania bordering on mania again I can conclude I do have bipolar and would be better off on trileptal. This will work for me for six months until I decide I'm ok again.

I'm returning to therapy on Tuesday so I can work on being happy with myself the way I am. So I won't feel the need to go off meds. I hope anyway.

You know what else I need to accept that I will never be allowed to be myself and live how I want and I will always be crushed by everyone else's requirements.