I just discovered today that a friend ended her life yesterday. Not a close, close friend, but somebody I've known for a year, worked with, have common friends with, shared drinks and hugs with.

Aside from a bad day today, I'm doing ok, but I feel really strange about the whole thing. First of all, this was a person I didn't really get along with well and couldn't talk to easily. Honestly, I probably kind of disliked her. She was a super outgoing, loud, talkative person who I didn't want to talk about anything serious with because I felt like she was the type of person who would end up getting me into an argument I didn't want to be in. I'm quiet, shy, introverted, easy-going...we were oil and water. But, we were frequently around each other for a period of time, and she hugged me every time I saw her.

I never would've guessed that this super outgoing person who I felt always needed to be the center of attention was so close to ending her life. She seemed too active, too sure of herself, too energetic, too loud to be depressed. Yet, when I found out that she was gone, I almost instantly knew what had happened before I was told. Somehow, it didn't seem real, and I felt absolutely nothing and actually began wondering if I was actually a psychopath for not being able to feel anything. Well, it took four or five hours and all hit me at once....it still doesn't seem real...I keep looking at her Facebook page and all her friends writing remembrances for her and feeling like it's all still fake somehow. I looked at our last private message exchange on Facebook, and felt like if I just replied to her, she would exist again.

So now, I'm just sitting here wishing I could've gotten over our differences in personality and genuinely reached out to her and had a real conversation with her. I wonder if she knew I was depressed and was trying to reach out to me. Last time I saw her was 3 or 4 weeks ago and she hugged me and told me she missed seeing me and that she wished we saw more of each other and I basically said, "ok" and moved on with my life. Now I'm thinking back to that hug and exchange and I feel like she knew she was saying goodbye to me...or maybe silently hoping that I would be the person to telepathically pick up on her state and help her.

So, even though we weren't best friends and I even kind of struggled to tolerate her I'm basically crushed that I couldn't have helped in some way. I feel like out of her whole circle of friends and all the people who knew her, I am probably the one person who should've seen what was going on. If she would've told me she was depressed I would've been there for her and done anything for her...maybe we could've helped each other. But, I missed the signs and now she's gone...

I have no idea why I'm writing this. I will be ok. If she had been in an accident or had cancer, I don't think I would be feeling this so much. It's just crushing me that I wasn't there to help her. I wish she would've known she could've called me anytime and I would've talked to her until the sun came up...I'm kicking myself that I never tried to get to know her on a deeper level. I was so concerned with trying to keep my mask on that I never realized she was wearing one too.