I haven't seen my son for the last 13 years. He wrote to me and said he wanted nothing to do with me and felt nothing for me. I have written, left voice mail messages and e-mailed him. I don't blame him but it hurts so bad. I had a childhood of neglect and sexual abuse resulting in PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia. I overcame the agoraphobia because the thought of being homebound forever scared me. But because I never received love and emotional support as a child, I had no idea how to be a mother. I made sure he was fed and clothed nicely and had all the new video games but I had no clue how to just be there for him. His father was an abusive alcoholic and verbally and physically abused me and I spent Eric's first 13 years just doing what I had to do to survive. In the 1970's no one knew of Battered Wife Syndrome. But my son paid a higher price than I did for my cowardice in not leaving sooner. My ex said he would kill me if I left and I believed him but if I could do it over I would leave long before I did and maybe I could have found someone to show me how to love and be a mother.

Eric and I had what I thought was a good relationship until a few years after his father committed suicide after shooting his 3rd wife. Then somehow all Eric's problems became my fault and while I freely admit I was not a good mother I wish he could see I did the best I could. I want so badly to talk with him and to know how he is doing, but he ignores me. He lives 150 miles away and I have no idea what his current address is or where he works.

I feel like a total failure as a mother and as a human being. I don't know what to do. All the therapists and psychiatrists I've seen have said not to live in the past but go on from today but how do you put something like this behind you?
I wish I had never been born or at the very least been born sterile so I couldn't mess up someone else's life like I obviously have done.

I searched this site for others like me but couldn't find any which is even more depressing since to me that says no one else has ever been such a worthless person. I remember reading somewhere that if you fail as a parent you've failed at life. That's me.

Can anyone please help me?