Hello all. I am a 20 year old strongly introverted and socially awkward male and I would like to share something about my present mental condition and get your valuable feedbacks to assess myself.

My issue is regarding the feeling of love. I have always loved my parents and family members as far as I can remember back into my childhood. But recently, I can suddenly feel a change inside me. Although I am always trying to look after and care for my aged parents, it feels like I am doing it because it's my duty as their son. I no longer feel the love I once used to feel for them, or anyone in this world actually. No one can figure this out, because as I said, on the outside I am all well and nice. Is it so, that actually this taking up of responsibility for 'loved' ones is all that exists or matters, and there is nothing like the so called love we know from fiction? But I am sure I didn't feel this way even 2 years back. Is this a part of growing up? Becoming emotionless robots who still carry out their duties at the end of the day but without the involvement of emotions?

I would like to provide my background here. I had been diagnosed with suicidal tendencies when I was 15. I was sort of a nihilist, lacked interest in everything, was flunking in studies although I had always been a class topper, and would want to kill myself at the slightest of discomfort. I even attempted suicide once, and had to face a lot of contempt from peers. But with professional help I got over this condition and was back into my normal life and aced my O level Exams. Then I got involved in a relationship with a girl who lived thousands of miles away from me(she is from my country by the way and we had a lot of mutual friends). We could only communicate through the internet and phone and had no way to see each other away from the keyboard. I always had it in my creed to sincerely love my partner with all my heart, never leaving her side no matter what happens and when I was cyber-dating her, I could actually feel that way. Naturally I expected that from her as well and I had the patience to wait for a few years till I finished my studies, when we could be together in real life. But she was very impatient and she was disturbed herself because of her family matters. I would often self-harm because of her misbehavior with me, as I had no one to go to as I am extremely introverted and have almost no close friends other than she herself. She was the only person I could open up to completely. There were lots of blockades in our way though, she being two years senior to me(which is often an issue in where I am coming from), and she was from a well-off family whereas I was not (although her father was mostly reluctant in spending the money on his family as he had extra-marital affairs), and the only option for me to gain some money would be to finish my studies and getting a decent job, which would take years, as I was only 19 back then. Yet she had loved me and had even wanted to work herself and make some money for me so that I could immigrate to her country and live alongside her. I was overwhelmed by her feelings and was ready to try my best to achieve our dreams and this allowed me to forget her misbehavior over time.

Too good to be true - yes I had that gut feeling. Then again, I was blindly in love, and as per my creed, I would do anything to keep her mine. I could often feel how she got upset due to my financial conditions(which she never expressed). In case I self-harmed due to her misbehavior, she would retreat even more. In the mean time, she started to get closer to another rich, famous guy, and later she cheated on me (she had also 'accidentally' got physical with him), which she did disclose to me. I would have forgiven her, if she had ended all relations with that person. But she was too 'addicted' to him as she told me and suddenly she couldn't see a way how we could get together in real life, and got bored of our online interactions. So we had to break up, and it was a terrible blow for me. I always had low self-esteem, and this one totally shattered me. She was all I could think of all day and was desperate to stick to my creed, and now it was all in vain.

So next I went through this horrible stage of depression. I sought professional help, but it was of almost no use to me during this time. I was taught some techniques to distract myself whenever these thoughts came to my mind, and becoming busy with other things, but it was of feeble help for many months. This severely affected my A level grades, for which my life took another turn, and now I am in a completely separate discipline from what I had originally intended to be in. I think I have fairly been able to forget this trauma (except for a nightmare or horrifying flashback every two months maybe), and have been able to cope up somewhat with distractions.

I am not sure whether this is a correlation or causation, but this trauma did affect what I used to mean by the word 'love'. I have grown desensitized to it over time, and have trouble experiencing orgasms. I often get nightmares while trying to masturbate (remembering thoughts of my ex being touched by someone else). So I am presently confused whether what I had said in paragraph 2 has anything to do with this past experience. I don't think I can ever love someone again. Even if I do, it would be the sort of 'duty' I talked about before. And this is deeply bothering me. Have I transformed into a robot? I have lost my alertness (at home and in the streets) and I feel like I am just a worthless moving piece of meat...

So I would like to question again, does this transformation happen to everyone at some point of growing up? Is 'love' just a word we use for depicting the so-called caring nature for others in a form of responsibility?

PS: I have a 4 months old niece, and I want to love her with all my heart. Although everyone can see my affection, I don't think it really exists. Please help me out of this complicated situation..