When I'm home for days at a time, I start to feel almost normal. In fact, I begin to wonder why I don't just get out & do something! (I've now aged into retirement so I'm not employed... not that I was before either.) Then if I go out, for example, shopping with my wife the way I did this afternoon my anxiety level goes through the roof. My head feels as though it might explode, my whole body gets tingly, & I feel like I'm not quite all there but rather I am floating somewhere is space. I'm reminded of why I just stay home alone as much as I possibly can.

So, now that I'm home again, I'm exhausted, shaky & suicidal. Typically my emotional state is just what I refer to as "dull acceptance". But it's at times such as now that I sink into that other state, the one I refer to as: "I just can't stand this for another minute!" Of course, with my wife home, there's not much I can do to hurt myself. That will have to wait until Monday. And, by then, I'll most likely be back to the "dull acceptance" state just treading water. This is such a fun existence I lead...