It's all coming back and I can't help it. I haven't been on here in so long because I've kept convincing myself that I'm okay and that everything is fine. Especially since moving schools and trying to start fresh but nothing has changed at all. It's coming back.. the depression, the hurt, the pain. I've been pushing it deeper and deeper refusing to admit that it hurt and now its back.

I know its common for teens to go through depression but it doesn't feel common. It's not supposed to hurt so much is it.
I've pushed everyone away and faked a smile everyday. I've got friends I guess. I've got a roof over my head and food to eat. I'm relatively safe. So nothing to worry about right? No. Cause I'm still not "happy" whatever that even is.

I haven't self-harmed in so long and people say that's a good thing but to me that would be better than what I feel now. I'd prefer to physically destroy myself then mentally destroy myself the way I am. I just f*cking hurt and I can't stand it, I can't even cry anymore its like it hurts too much to even show it. It physically hurts me, my chest is in pain, I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything.
And more than ever I want to bring a blade to my skin and just let it out like if I do all the pain will leave my body and I'll be okay again.