Being gay has ruined my life. Despite many years of therapy, I have not been able to make it work. Being gay just makes me sad. It has led to social rejection, harassment on the job (from both heterosexuals and homosexuals) and parental rejection. After a while, I just could not rebound. I now just sit at home alone. There is no use going out because I am not fun in any way.

To be accepted in the gay community, you have to have either looks or money or personality. I have none of these. For years I did volunteer work. I was often mistreated and eventually stopped volunteering. The friends I made were mostly dysfunctional. They weren't always nice and were often critical; their lovers sometimes hit on me. My best friend of 25 years became an alcoholic and drank himself to death. Physical issues I had - naturally high blood sugar - affected my ability to be sexual. And, I just never seemed to enjoy gay sex much either even though where I live it's available anonymously 24/7. A lot of my issues have to do with not being nurtured enough as a child. Having grown up in too strict an environment with no playmates or toys, I just don't know how to play well with others. T's say there is hope but I now really don't want to have sex with anyone. I've never had a steady boyfriend. At most, I've had 3 dates with the same person. I don't enjoy dating at all. All I ever wanted was to be like everyone else. Being gay overwhelms me. It's an insurmountable problem and I cannot deal with it.

Deep down, I have not wanted to be alive for a long time. Being gay is not living. I have lost so many friends to AIDS, drugs, alcohol, weed, tobacco and combinations thereof. I just dread life and am burnt out. I often cannot bring myself to smile. (A problem since childhood.) I am always angry and bitter. I have never fit in anywhere or found acceptance and was often teased / bullied. I cannot deal with being different. You would have to be a member of my generation - I'm 55 - to understand. Things were different. I am a product of that time period.

I have mixed with a lot of LGBT groups including 12-step programs, group therapy, sports leagues and more. Don't suggest theater - I've never liked it. Once, I worked with a lesbian boss. Turned out she was a sociopath who mistreated employees, fired them and then gave negative references so no one will hire them. Now, no one will hire me and I suffer from c-PTSD and am on disability. I have been mistreated on my last three jobs. (All these bosses were women.) I have nothing left in the tank. I am severely damaged emotionally. I cannot make being gay work for me. That's why I need a cure.