I just want to say again, thankyou to all that have commented or PMed me during this time. Its amazing how much support from this site can help, knowing that someone out there knows your darkest fears and is thinking of you throughout.

I am home now, and not quite sticking the discharge planned routine... I stayed in bed a little too long, but Im up now and have had my breaky and my meds and plan to go do some volunteer work in half an hour. My goal for today is to spend some time with my horse. Im not sure why I am finding that idea so difficult. I know I will be wracked with guilt. (I think perhaps if I dont look at her then I wont feel guilty for leaving her so long...) Shes been cared for by my neighbour so there is no welfare issue, I just know she would have missed me, but being the way she is, she will be mad at me for leaving her for so long. It will take some time to get our bond back. And I need to get my horsemanship skills up a bit as she is not an easy horse so I will need to be on the ball while handling her.

Its kinda scary being on my own in my own house at times, I dont know if I can trust myself. My partner (when he is here) is very supportive and helpful. I know I have to choose to take the meds or go for help but that is so hard sometimes. I worry about taking the wafers and doing something dumb like burning the house down or something. I do not want to go back to hospital so I know why I dont want to ask anyone in real life for help when I get scared. I've lost my list of coping strategies and I forget them in the hard times but I do have a basic list on my whiteboard. I will make another pretty list later in the day and stick it up somewhere easy to see.

Better get ready for the volunteer work now. I desperately need new boots but money is so tight. It is so hard when I cant work and my partner is struggling at the moment too. A new budget will be on the agenda at some stage as well. Life stuff is hard and tiring.